In order to stay connected with yourself and to cultivate healthy relationships, it’s essential that you remain curious when you’re triggered.
You know how it can be when your children don’t listen to you, your spouse isn’t affectionate, your mother, sister, brother, and friend talks over you or maybe even changes the subject you’re on, or criticizes you.
Remaining curious enables you to value and comfort yourself, such as when a co-worker takes all the credit for your work or undermines you in any way, or when you accidentally and permanently delete an important file.
Without curiosity, we make quick decisions about these situations and we override our intuition, because we’re operating out of habitual responses. We’re operating out of survival, which is limiting and unfulfilling, and entrenched in judgement.
Why curiosity will get you further than making assumptions.
My colleague Tanis says that curiosity replaces judgement, and she couldn’t be more bang on. Curiosity slows us down enough to notice more, such as our reactions, so that we can interact with clarity and ease.
Making assumptions on the other hand shuts us off from our inner knowing and puts us in a state of emergency – survival. Judgement keeps us locked into old coping mechanisms.
Oh not me, I’m not judgmental
In one of Tanis’s recent newsletters she wrote, “If you’re sitting there saying… “No not me, I’m totally not judgmental.” Well, let’s get curious about that shall we? “ …
“Here’s the thing: if you’re human, your brain is constantly (and I literally mean constantly) making judgements and leaping to conclusions. It’s wired to do that. It has to do that. Because in the space between something happening, and getting to a clear answer, a clear conclusion or judgment… lies uncertainty. And there’s nothing your brain hates more than uncertainty. “– Tanis Frame
The mind dislikes uncertainty because it is programmed to survive.
The mind jumps to conclusions to close the gap between not-knowing and the safety of being certain of yourself and the situation you’re in.
We are so uncomfortable with not-knowing that we quickly defend, justify or explain ourselves, to the point of missing out on the moment’s opportunity for simplicity and precision.
The ego-mind’s main objective is to protect you from harm, even if that harm is merely perceived. After all, you’re better safe than sorry. Except that most of the time, the perceived threat isn’t real; it’s a projection, an unconscious memory, a trigger.
So what do you do with the trigger and ultimately, what do you do with uncertainty?
You stop leaping to conclusions by becoming aware that you’re leaping to conclusions – that you’re making assumptions, discriminating and trying to control your life, and other people.
The key here is to recognize that your mind is extremely uncomfortable with uncertainty, and that you’re in judgement in order to mitigate that discomfort.
How about becoming more and more comfortable with the unknown by cultivating curiosity?
The question you might ask yourself is, “What is my assumption, judgement, conclusion… trying to accomplish?
Are your assumptions, judgements, conclusions trying to…
- Protect you from other people’s misconceptions of you?
- Defend you from your own lack of confidence?
- Deflect uncomfortable feelings?
When you ask yourselves these questions, instead of your judgement becoming a way to guard yourself against disappointment and loss for instance, you gain understanding on how you’re interacting with others. In this way, you have a greater ability to make clear choices, because being consciously aware of your mental focus allows you to refocus.
By being curious you transform judgement into discernment and love. Curiosity completely disarms difficult situations and brings about change.
In my book: Mystical Intimacy, Masiandia says that when we cultivate wonderment we see the world through the lens of intrigue, receptivity and openness.
“Curiosity is a way of life that welcomes all of your emotions and perceptions with acceptance and compassion.
“Your work on this planet is to fall in love with the Earth and all its inhabitants, which first begins by falling in love with yourself. It’s so much easier than it seems. Begin by being curious about all your life experiences. Marvel at the complexity of feelings and sensations that you are constantly experiencing. Cherish everything! Let surrender play a larger role in between your thoughts. Suspend your judgements and remain willing to see, sense, hear, smell, and know so much more than you think you know.”
If there are conflicts in your life, in your work and relationships, consider learning the language of compassion, and experience the profound support of BodySOUL Integration.